It always saddens me to see people of the twenty-first century mourning my death. I know I'm brilliant, but really! I'm obviously not dead, or I wouldn't be typing this on the holokeyboard for you to read ( Read more... )

DEAR CAPTAIN JACK,

I wish you to answer these questions in the order in which they appear.

1. Why did I wake up still in a suit under my blanket cocoon this morning with a screaming hangover?

2. Why don't I remember large portions of last night after we left the pub?

3. Why is Max wearing a top hat?


( Read more... )

Jack, I think it's time we investigated Google.

I think it's time we investigated Google HARD.

HOW DO THEY KNOW SO MUCH?

I am buried in the Archives today, but I am logging on briefly to make it very plain that I do not dance around the flat when Mambo Number Five comes on the radio, and if Jack shows you photos or video of such a thing they are fakes.

Especially if I'm wearing the Snoopy boxers.

And Andy, you didn't tell me your old dad was Chief Superintendent ( Read more... )

Bugger bugger bugger!

GWEN. RHYS. I need festive Welsh dishes and fairy cakes! Rhys, I know you can do amazing things with snacks. I'm on my knees and not in the fun way!

HART, drag yourself in and bathe. I will hose you down if I must and you won't enjoy it as much as it sounds like you will ( Read more... )

I am not pathetic ( Read more... )

We've been robbed!

Sometime last night a very clever criminal disabled the CCTV on the Secret Loading Dock, loaded up all the remaining talents of sheep poo, and made off with them. He or she left us a ream of sheep poo paper, as if to mock us ( Read more... )

MESSAGE RECIEVED:

From: PA Watson (email redacted)

( Blah blah renfaire, blah blah face-shooting )

FIRST:
OUCH.

SECOND:
Jack, you really need to answer some mail that isn't of the "please advise, Agony Aunt Harkness" variety. It's starting to stratify in the lower layers and I keep tripping on the pile you stashed by the door. No excuses! Or shoving it behind the coffee machine!

THIRD:
Does this look familiar? Like anyone we know? No? Wait a ( Read more... )

Jack, I think they're on to usWily bloody Canadians, of all people! Tosh always did fancy the Mounties, and it showed in her programming. Should have put a patch on the program but I hate to speak ill of the dead, even in binary ( Read more... )